Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?