Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

I can’t wait!

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years