Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg