“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔