“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I’m the neighbor
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.