“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.