Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious