Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
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Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Facebook memories be like
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
