Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”