Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!

– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

lol

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

*sewing*

A thread

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀

me refusing to leave twitter

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys