Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk