Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
You Might Also Like
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet