Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
😭😭😭
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns