Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Canadian owl: Eh?