Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
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Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
good for her
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Dumplings,
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I don’t make the rules sorry
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.