Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Body by sandwich.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.