Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.