Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?

susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons

teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it

I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”