Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Noah was an idiot.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Growing out my freckles.