Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.