I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
buying dead houseplants to save time
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT