Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.