Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I wanna be friends with this person

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

I hate everything

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.