Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Thursday

About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.