Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.