Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

😂

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Black Friday “markdowns” like

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back