Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!

ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet