Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
You Might Also Like
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
@ candidates for local office
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these