Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.