Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast