Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have so many questions.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again