Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
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My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
All. The. Damn. Time.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.