Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants