Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

Stop

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

😭😭😭

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.