Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Blew my mind.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
oh u like geography? name every lake
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting