Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”