Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.