Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
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Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?