DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
23. the denim jacket
Stop it! 😂
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok