Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.

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Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.


Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.


I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..


3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.


I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit


Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows


When a waitress asks me if I want soup or salad, I always ask “who’s in charge of tossing the salads here?” Then I frown & order the soup.


[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.