Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
look at me when i’m typing to you
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
dead inside
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks