Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
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*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?