Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
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I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
#SCOTUS one-star review
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
*seductively eats two tums*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh