Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

he’ll never suspect a thing