Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

one week till the election

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Going to church you guys need anything

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.