Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.