Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

Mornin. * use accordingly

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.