Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!

Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

We decided to have money instead of children.

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE