Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.