Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I am also baked goods
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30