Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
A bold strategy
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.