Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
The opposite of Iceland is water water
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.