Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Very good! 👍😂

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

🤣

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”