Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.

Thus I have to move it to get a beer.

Because exercise is important too.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?