A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.