Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

Him: How much do you love me?

Me: A bit more than pizza.

Him:

Me: But not as much as coffee.

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server