Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

GF: I’m breaking up with you

Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

ME: *moistens lips with tongue*

DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies