Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.


As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.


Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment


i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports


If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.


We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.


[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no


“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed


Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.