@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

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@bobvulfov

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

@jakery

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I whisper as I don’t wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.

@VeryLonelyLuke

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

@UnFitz

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@danchovy

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

@TrentoMento

Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”

@AmishPornStar1

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.