Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
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My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.