Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
*weighs self after shaving
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.