Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

Holy crap this is wonderful

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

ㅤ

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.