Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
good morning
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!