Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.