Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
these two trucks have the same bed length
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot