Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu