Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Bruh
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
💀 😭
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
