Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
