Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Man these end times are taking forever
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…