Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?

Friend: we can do a mock interview

Me: ok

Friend: why should we hire you

Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Alexa turn off the planet

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY