Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right