Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE