Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
what?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.