Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Happy Halloween 🎃
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.