Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
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Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.