Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.


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Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.

You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed


I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”


Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.


My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.


One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”


The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.


People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.


Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”


I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”