Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
You Might Also Like
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”