Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Kermit goes Blue.